Fragile human error

hell is around the corner

2009-12-05T01:29:00.000-08:00

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face. You told me how proud you were, but I walked away.
If only I knew what I know today.
I would hold you in my arms, I would take the pain away. Thank you for all you've done and forgive all your mistakes. There's nothing I wouldn't do to hear your voice again and sometimes I wanna call but I know you won't be there.
Then some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit, sometimes I just want to hide because it is YOU I miss and it is so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this.. Would you tell me I was wrong? Would you help me to understand?? Are you looking down upon me? Are you proud of who I am??
There's nothing I wouldn't do to have just one more change: to look into your eyes and see you looking back.. and if I had just one more day JUST ONE MORE DAY I would tell you how much that I've missed you since you've been away..

I will always remember you, ALWAYS.
Love you, Rasmus (w)
I will treasure you memory forever.

Riin, for you.
for others: Daiquiri Tequila

weak become heroes

2009-11-23T07:38:00.000-08:00

I wonder how, I wonder why the sky turns white, it all becomes clear. I felt lifted from my fears. I shed tears in the light after 3 dark years.

The next life from the fortress away from the knives and slaughter. To their wives and daughters:

Once more before the Lord judges over all of us because in this place you'll see me. Brace yourself, cos this goes deep. I'll show you the secrets, the sky and the birds. Actions speak louder than words: Stand by me my apprentice. Be brave. But you will reach the day, and it's all mine. You can take it or leave it, believe, Majors can be vigilent. It's who dares wins in the city and i dare.

Then Ian in the cafe taps me on the shoulder- I realize years years went by I'm older. Solid concrete under my feet, no surprises, no treats. The world stands still as my mind sloshes round the washing up bowl in my crown. My life's been up and down since I walked from that crowd.

..and to the one and only geezer out there for me.. I don't get it, i might spit it, but I'll never quit it. You hardly even know me and I'm starting to show that. I hardly even know you but I like what I know. I want to talk about it but I quake in my skin it'll only push you further into making decisions. You want to like me but you are likely undecided. The voice inside is always right which is why the awkward silence. Any other day and you'd have not looked twice. The joking went along with my roll of the dice. Purely by a chance I happened on feeling really confident around the place and people. You caught a no-hitter hitting winning strokes- I never am a winner, I'm a lonely gal. Acting exciting like a man for a while until you realise I can act like a child. Eternal optimism is spurring me on to think that acting on your ins like this might lead me to learn a secret. But I don't really know or why I think so.

But one thing you need to remember: I care and I miss you.

fucktaztic

2009-11-17T04:04:00.000-08:00

Hello my dear friends,

Do you know what time is it? Do you or do you not know? I know what time it is!

IT IS RIINYZ TIME!

So I just tought I will write something to my diary today. I don't live in Estonia anymore, because nobody knows where it's at, no! Nobody knows where it's at. Yes, indeed, those are lyrics from song called "creepshow" by Kerli K. So anyways, I live in Spain now, in Sevilla. One of the main reasons I moved here was because I wanted to get out of the circle of my friends, realatives, schools etc. I have so much bad happening to me this year, this is just unbelievable. I'm going mad. Perhaps I always was but when things were good I just didn't care.

This is called irony. When you most need to get up you got no energy, time and time shit will happen and the dark shit is unwrapping. I'm on my own now. I'm in my little zone. I was born alone and believe me I will die alone. So here I am in my house, drinking on my own settee; everyone's a cunt in this life, no-one's there for me.

I honestly don't want to even write about those things which keep happening to me and what has already been done. I don't know what can I do in my life becayse at the moment it feels nice and still. Good thing about Spain is it always will. It's easy, no-one blames me: it's that world out there that's fucked me. I'm no less of a person and if God exists he still loves me. My friends keep reminging me that- the more I sink the further back from that brink.

Maybe I have lifetime scars and I think tattoos might be more fitting but who's picking? Searching for yourself you will find demons, try and be a freegirl and grasp that talisman. Because you are the same as I am: We all need our fellow man, we all need our samaritan. Maybe I'm better looking than you tho, maybe I've got more dough - but am I happier... no. Get the love of a good man and your world will be much richer than my world. It is true. I lost my fellow man, my samaritian, my good man. This is one of the main reasons I came to Spain- me and Ilmar broke off. This really broke my heart. I changed myself for him BETTER, I did everything for him and that's the action I get back... He aint helping me climb the ladder- he's busy climbing his. That's how it's been since the dawn of time, if you reach a cul-de-sac the world turns it's back. This is my zone, it's like blackjack. He might get the ace or the top one so organise your two's and three's into a run then you'll have fucked him some. And for that you'll be the better one. anywayz, he ripped my heart to pieces and I'm not shure if I will fall in love TRUELY ever again.

But I dont have only bad things happening to me which I don't want to talk about. I have a new friend. He's so cool. He's name is SootyZ and he's a real CUNT! I love him for being so honest, he says everything what he thinks, he doesn't lick others asses, he's a very cool English man. He is like a exact male-version of me, though I have some weakpoints more than he does. Or maybe I havn't found all of them yet. Yeh anyway, he's a cool brave lad, I hope to see him one day.

Orite, will go now. Hope things get better with me and you. oh, I forget to tell you i had a crash with my motorbike and after that a horse kicked my fingers tendons broken so I'm not able to work. But enough about me.

One last thing before you go though: when I feel better tommorow I'll be a hero, but I never forget today. I could be back here, things can stray. What if you see me in that window? You won't help me I know. That's cool, just keep walking where you go.Carry on through the estate, stare at the geezers so they know you aint lightweight and go see your mates.. And when they don't look happy blame this day!

Yours,

DAQUIRI TEQUILA

Xoxo

2009-07-28T15:11:00.001-07:00

So much has happened, everything has changed. I don't want to make a long story about the 3 months I haven't wrote here anything, I'll just put down few facts with a little brief description.

Rasmus died 2 months ago. I think I will never get over it. It hurt a lot, it still does but I'll get over it. I have so many good people around me who'll help me with that.

I broke up with Kristjan. I cheated on him with Ilmar and as you know the things were not so good between me and Kristjan so I decided to tell him everything and I did. He still thought we could match things up but I decided to let go of him. He cried under my own eyes and begged me to stay. I couldn't because he would always remember me my bad actions as well I started liking Ilmar so much. Anyway, two days later, after I broke up with Kristjan he was with another girl whom he always talked about, that that girl (maris) is his best friend and they hook up once in a while and grab a coffee or something. Anyways, 2 days after we broke up they were a couple in rate.ee and in real life. Then I started thinking.. If he was so crazy about me, how could he hook up with a girl so quick? As well, he texed me something like”thank you for being honest, if I'd only be something similar to you”. I didn't realize then that the bloody fucker had cheated on me the whole time we were together! How do I know? His best friend told me. What a sucker. But well, they broke up after few weeks. Guess the girl found out how bad Kristjan was at bed. Then I guess they clicked again, because Kristjan has got money. What a smart girlie. Well, I don't care anyways, I'm just happy those two fuckers found each other.

..and then I'm happy for myself! People, you really have no idea what I've managed to pull together. I've got the most best(est) boyfriend in the whole world. Seriously, if you don't believe me then OK, I wouldn't allow you to try him anyways, lol. His name's Ilmar and he's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I would have said “creature” but “thing” sound better. He is smart, really-really pretty, he has got a perfect sense of humor and well.. he's a lion in the bedroom, lol. He has got his own band and he's a lead singer and plays guitar. When he sings Oasis- Wonderwall on his guitar then he always looks me deep inside my eye and tells me really quietly those words "there are many things I'd like to say to you but I don't know how.." and then the really beautiful lyrics continiue. Also, that's the point I almost start crying everytime. I have never felt anything like that before, first time of my life I really care about someone so much I would literally give an arm for. See, may-be I've talked about my other relationships as they were also good, but lets face it- they were not. Now I really feel like everything's clicked to its right place. “If it's called love, then pour me another glass”.

Remember my best friend Elisabeth? Well, she's my ex-best friend now because of Ilmar. She knew Ilmar half a day longer than me and she already had expectations and those stupid thoughts in her head how she will seduce Ilmar and live happily ever after. Well, the things weren't so so and Ilmar decided to choose me from one night. We just clicked and we could talk about anything (I mean seriously, ANYTHING!). But yeah, now is Elisabeth really angry at me and is talking shit about me everywhere. She's spreading the word how slutty and awful person I am and she even told front of my friends and Ilmar including that I'm a whore. but hey, why should I care? I got the boy and I couldn't be happier! She even phoned Ilmar one night and told that crap over again. She told him that actually I'm still with Kristjan and I'm a lying to Ilmar about it. Also, she told him that I'm lying about me staying home that night (it was Friday) and actually I'm partying somewhere and drinking and hooking up man again. Ilmar was really upset and then she suddenly asked him out.. Like.. ahhh. Ilmar said no and called me immediately and asked where am I, what I'm doing etc. I told him to calm down and talk about what's in his mind, why is he so nervous. So he told about that call and we talked about and hour about the call, about us, about Elisabeth, about the weather, birds, clouds, clowns, drewl, food, football etc (as I said, we can talk about anything). He believed me and everything was fine again. I'm so happy with him! But Elisabeth won't leave him alone, she still calls him, asks him out etc. Well yeah, OK, what else I have to say. At least I have no doupts in Ilmar, I can count on him he won't go out with her. I mean, I haven't forbided him not to go out with her, he told me he'll never go out, because he really don't like this girl because she is so bitchy and jealous, furthermore he told that he don't exactly like the girls with her appearance.

Enough about Elisabeth. I was at hospital for a while, I had a tick and now I'm pretty much suffering under tick-born-encephalitis. That's not good, but I have my honeybun sugarplum bummieyummy pumkin with me all the time so I couldn't be happier. It has a longer story behind it but I'm too lazy to talk about it.

I'll stop writing about facts now I guess.. I have nothing else to talk about I think and I'm pretty tired. Talk to ya next time,

Daiquiri Tequila

So, I lay my head back down and I lift my hands and pray
to be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.

a tiny little thing called love

2009-05-06T15:04:00.001-07:00

Gosh.. I miss Rasmus so much. I really do. I miss having these long conversations with him, deep and political, superficial and funny, good advise and bad influence. I was avoiding him after the last conversation we had but I don't feel weird about it anymore, I kind of figured things out for me and I found I love my boyfriend too much to make him hurt about some stupid feelings I was having one night. I will never-ever cheat on Kristjan. He does have his 'not-so-bright' sides as well, sometimes I think he has them much more than Rasmus, but he's still my boy. I feel... bad. I don't know why. I drew a drawing of Rasmus after last time I saw him. I never felt to draw a picture like that before.. I learnt a lot about myself drawing all morning, it was absolutely shit, haha, I'm awful at drawing.. lol.

Okies. Tonight I went walking with Kristjan. May-be it was because I told him I'll go to Tallinn from Friday to Sunday and he wouldn't feel conscience psyching then if he'd see me. We see each other 1 time a week (probably/usually maximum) and I feel it's too less. Sometimes I even feel that only thing he wants from me is a good fuck and then 'bye-bye, see you same time next week'. Ahhhh, its like.. He thinks he has seen me, he likes the way I'm strong and stand by him but I am fragile too! I am fragile too.... After a loong-loooong walk he drove me back to home, gave a good-night kiss and if I asked when I'll see you he answered next week. Hmmmmmm, today's Wednesday... Why not tomorrow?? Why doesn't he have any time for me now?? I know he's working and doing a lot of stuff, studying etc but he used to take me out EVERY motherfucking evening!! What's happening? And he doesn't trust me at all.. He told me not to stupid things and cheat on him while I'm in Tallinn with other men. WHY THE FUCK HE NEEDS TO TELL ANYTHING LIKE THAT?? Have I fucking ever done something like that???? It doesn't fit to my head or maybe it's because I'm blond. Sometimes I think I love him more than he likes me although I'm never sure and maybe I should want to be blind but yeah.. I think I love him more than he likes me because this is even crossing my mind already..

I don't get it.

I came to this world with nothing,

and I leave with nothing but love..

Everything else is just borrowed ..

everything's shitty

2009-05-05T00:34:00.000-07:00

So I'm bored and will start telling about my little pathetic life I need to pull till the rest of my life but that's okay bro', because I could make it lot interesting but hey... I'm too lazy for it, so let's continue my non-superficial story how world seems to me.

Yesterday I had a little fight with my mom. Usually I'm really defensive about my opinion but yesterday I let myself down, no seriously. My mom was fucking me up because I hadn't washed dishes (like I eat at home??? I DON'T EAT, at all, I'm fasting, daah) and she started yelling that i don't do anything at home and yadayadayada and first I didn't care at all but then I got pissed, run upstairs to my bathroom and started to go crazy, seriously. I started hitting myself, pulling out my little hair I have left from bleaching but no tears. Weird, maybe it's because of these baby-pills I'm taking, they have a lot of hormones in, they can make me crazy. Back to the point, I don't get it.. Why should she be the one who decides whether it's off or on or on or off or on. She's so irritating, why does she need to blame me on every fucking aspect? I'm not guilty that she didn't use a rubber while they "made" me. She's too hard on me, I tell you that. And I'm like, honestly, it's not like that I'm acting like I'm prancing like a sap, jumping when she claps and that. Do you really think I act wack because I'm telling you serving the aces and it's game set and match. Perfectly in control of this goal, I got the lead role, won't be fooled and I'm older than you're told. Mom sold, high speeds gold, game over game over- too cold.

So bit irritated I was went to see my horse I have in rent-stable and I hooked up with my mates from there. We were discussing what day I'm celebrating my B-Day and told them I'll have little sit-down and BBQ with a lot of drinks on 15th of May. One of my (best)girlfriend said like shit, I will go to Tallinn at that night. I was asking like can you maybe cancel it? She said no because she had planned it for months. I told her I have planned my 18th birthday for 18years, could you please come? The answer was still no.. from my best girlfriend? Then the other m8s started asking where do you need to go and after a while she answered that she will go to see one Ballet. Everybody froze- you rather Ballet to your best friends 18th birthday?? Everybody was shocked, then one girl started to ask like what's so cool about this boring Ballet, they just dance on their toes and look pretty, nothing else. My best-friend freaked and started yelling that she hates people who think that way and those people are so pointless, they should fucking kill themselves etc.. OH GOD, she went soooo crazy, I have never seen her acting that way. She's like my Idol now!!! what a player, she's my hero. So she kind of walked away and went to the stable. My other good friend said: "15th May it will be!!!" (so the crazy sis couldn't come). Everybody was shocked about her act, usually she's the quiet one. Nice to see if people have hidden sides.

Later at that day I went to one party where my real-best-friend Rasmus asked me to be. As I arrived the room was full of people I did not know. I hate coming to the entrance, just to get bars on my phone. You have no new messages, so why haven't he phoned? Menu, write message, so where are you and your phone?? Send a message, Dans number, where have you gone? Still waiting.. Why's the message pending? Where the fuck are you? This night is a tragedy, I'll keep thinking I saw him: no, that's not him, that's not him either. Belly's not even tingling, i just feel a bit pissed.. No-one looks like mingling, I can't see him.. And I'm thinking... Does he have a girlfriend? But how in the earth..? That couldn't be possible.. he told me he hasn't got anyone except me as his best-best friend. How can he do this to me now?! Left me alone to this party, won't answer his phone? Fuck, this is a master shit going on. I stood up, don't feel even my legs anymore, can't walk, feeling dizzy and there he was waving at me. I went to him and hugged him, we both were happy to see each other, we started speaking and telling jokes and then I heard this little tiny voice speaking something about introducing. I turned my head and saw this other girl who was with Rasmus. She was wearing a pink sweater, blue jeans and looked like hell. She had a ponytail and ugly face with greasy brown hair which probably hadn't been brushed for days. Her chubby cheeks and arms, belly and that big ass made me puke inside. She was a disaster. Why didn't I see her sooner? Why she was with Rasmus?? Did I had eyes only for him? Why am I thinking of him all the time? Am I falling in love with him?? No, that couldn't be! I have my own boyfriend whom I love very much.. Still, why am I thinking of Rasmus all the time and why did I feel irritated while seeing him with other girl?

Anyways,three of us, we sat down, ordered few drinks. Me and Rasmus were chatting all the time and making jokes. I had never felt more secured than I did that night. I was bullying with the other girl, if she started talking I turned her talk into a pile of shit and laugh-point. Anyways.. we talked more and I pissed the girl off somehow (no wonder, actually, how) so she asked me that am I on my periods because I'm so arrogant? Me and Rasmus looked each other inside the eyes and started laughing. I turned to the girl and said: "No, I'm too skinny to be menstruating, but that's nothing you should know from your own experience, is it??". The girl was kind of blown away from it, I could see her weakest link was her body- she was shamed of it. Rasmus gave me this look like I should stop now, it's starting to get ugly. I gave a promise with my own look that I will leave the girl alone now and he could totally understand me, he even said thanks with his lips only, soundless. Now I was already flirting with Rasmus probably because I was jealous on the other girl. HOW MY BEST FRIEND COULD HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?? That didn't fit to my head.

Okay, going more. We bought new tequilas, I was feeling good. I did more 2 shots with salt and lemon and was thinking.. Maybe I shouldn't have done the second round, I feel all fidgety and warm... My hearts beating too quick, I'm fucking tripping now. wonder whether they got in, turned away no doubt. Ah, who cares, this is a tune coming in, that one where he's just like.... okay I'm gonna stop now, I don't make sense even to myself anymore. I stood up, again, said I'm going to dance now. Fugly (I didn't like the girls name so I gave her a new name) looked at me like I'm crazy. I FUCKING AM, got a problem with that?? She kind of laughed on me so I crabbed Rasmus's hand and dragged him onto the dance floor. I was soo slutty, I'm almost shamed of it but I aint' because that's just me. I danced like these bitches from Jay-Z or 50-Cent videos. I did my one dance and then told Rasmus I need some air and I feel bad (I really did actually). We went out, we didn't say anything to Fugly but still she kept staring at us.

It was a cold night. We sat down on a 'swing-chair' and looked at the stars. It was so nice and peaceful. I started saying something but hes lips stopped me doing that.. I was like WTF you are doing?? We supposed to be friends, remember?? He started apologizing and blaming the tequila he had been drinking etc. I calmed down and apologized myself as well because I kind of made him kiss me with my previous act (you know the flirting and everything). He asked me why the hell did I do that if I'll reject him anyways and I answered honestly that I was jealous on Fugly. Now he was the quiet one and asked do I have feelings for him.. That was a hard question and I could't answer it quick. He started pushing me:"Do you, hello, well do you???" and..and ... and I fucking said yes I do. God, I'm such a fool. I should have said no. He smiled at me and said he has fell for me long time ago. I told him quick we can't be together because I have my boyfriend and he would never forgive me if I'd cheated on him. and he said: "No-one needs to know". I was confused and said I need to think about it.

The time was 3.56AM when I left the party, Fugly had already gone away and me and Rasmus were together all the time, but not like usually. He was more self-secured but I, on the other hand, had lost all my assurance. I couldn't stop thinking of what he had said. When I left he gave me a big warm hug and a kiss to my cheek. I said byes and started walking home.. I was thinking.. Why did I have to go and do a stupid thing like that, because yeah, it felt like we were through though but I could've ruined it, I’m such a twat!

Halleluuja- we all are going to die.

2009-05-03T13:06:00.000-07:00

I won't start apologizing for my bad English, if you don't like it you really don't need to read it. I'm not a bully- I'm arrogant. I'm not a joker, I'm being sarcastic. I like words the way they sound, I hate people self-pitying themselves and I think mentally retarded people should be shot down and bury into the woods.
I would have never wrote this thing because usually I'm really decent, nice and polite person. A month ago my life changed totally. I found out that I have auto-immune disease. Autoimmune diseases arise from an overactive immune response of the body against substances and tissues normally present in the body. In other words, the body really attacks its own cells. I have autoimmunity in two ways: Hashimoto's thyroiditis and Sjögren's syndrome. Hashimoto's thyroiditis or chronic lymphocytic thyroiditis is an autoimmune disease where the body's own T-cells attack the cells of the thyroid. Sjögren's syndrome is an autoimmune disorder in which immune cells attack and destroy the exocrine glands that produce tears and saliva. That's why I never cry and when I do, I bleed out of my eyes. It kind of sux because I'm never supposed to show out my real feelings, I can never yell at people with crying everything out because it might scare people as they see a 18y old girl bleeding from her eyes. As the story tells I hate self-pityness and I never self-pity myself (OK, only Monday mornings when my hair looks awful), that is why only person who knows about my disease is/was my mom.
First I was totally numb about the test-results. I thought it's okay, yeah what a hell, right. Then I started partying, going out with my m8s, drinking a lot and doing punch of stupid stuff. I was almost self-destructing myself when I had this click in my head. I WAS thinking I don't care about my auto-immunity but actually I do. I feel terrible about it, I want to cry, I want to get rid of it. No-one can see how I feel down under my metal-sheet face and strong body that I'm just a little girl who's scared. I just need a little time, may-be bit comforting from my best friends but NO SELF-PITYING!! I can handle the thing myself, I just need time to think the ways clear for me.
Few days ago my boyfriend Kristjan asked if I'll go to his place to stay the night over. First I said yes but then I looked at my calendar and found out I've got doctors appointment early in the morning next day. The next day was 1. of may and it's a big holiday here in Estonia so all the planned-patients appointments should be canceled but not mine (they needed to take blood on that exact day because it was the first day i quit taking these pills I cant spell). Suspiciously, my boyfriend tough I was lying about going to hospital because he figured that planned-patients couldn't have appointments on that holiday so he called to the hospital and got approval to his suspicions: "no planned-patients, it's holiday for gods sake!!". Kristjan came to see me later that night and started kind of fighting like I'm a liar or why did that nurse-lady told me there will be no appointments. I answered I have nooooo idea why, I ain't Buddha you know. But still, he started wining and was talking something about that he's wiser than me in any aspect I can fallow and yadayadayda. I asked what can I reply to you? I will go to the doctor and they will check my blood again to see if anything's changed, what else can i say or do? Then was my break-point when he yelled at me "THEN MAKE ME BELIEVE!". I looked out the window and felt tears running down my cheeks first time of my life. I quickly swept my tears (sorry, they were red so I'm guessing blood) away and yelled back to him I had auto-immune disease. His eyes just froze before he rammed his hand in saying, no shit. He was looking at me absolutely speechless, he couldn't quite believe what I'm trying to pull out the slip. He slipped his hand over my head, I'm guessing it wasn't a answer he was expecting. He started saying sorry and he feels bad now that he made cry and how awful old-man he is in non-sarcastic way and THAT IS WHY I never-ever wanted anyone to know I have this disease.
It's just superficial how people can change in one moment. I think it's abnormal if peoples' emotions change in one second and because of what? Because of pitying others. I'm no no better or no worse than the others- we are all the same and should be treated same. If I have that illness then I do, if I'm going to die sooner than the others then I will. In the end we are all going to die anyways! That's why I need to cheer and keep up my life, do fun things and waste no time, make mistakes and hold nothing back because you know why?? Life is too short to fuck it up totally, life is too short to worry and be miserable.
I'm telling that story because now I don't care if anyone knows. Kristjan is a friend and if he knows, why shouldn't you? We are all the same. Just now you know: don't feel sorry for me, be yourselves, be usual.
So I'm thinking.. The end of the something i did not want to end beginning of hard times to come. But something that was not meant to be is done and this is the start of what was.
About 2 this afternoon the last of the people left my house because they never stop chatting till all the rackets gone. I really feel like things clicked into place at some point or maybe it's the fact that me and someone other really got on. Or maybe its that i realised that it is true;
No-ones really there fighting for you in the last garison. No-one except yourself that is, no-one except you. You are the one who's got your back 'til the last deeds done. Kristjan can't have my back til the absolute end, because he needs to look out for what over his horizon. He's got to make sure he's not lonely, not broke. It's enough to worry about keeping his own head above. I shut the door behind me, huddled up in my coat, condensation floating off my breath, squinted out the sun. My jeans feel a bit tight, think i washed them a bit too high;
I was gonna be late, so i picked up my pace to run.

So there I am..
Having a nice day?
Like I care..
┌Π┐(◣_◢) ┌Π┐

Yours sincerely,

Daiquiri Tequila